Do You Love Me or Do You Love Me for My Stuff?

These past few weeks have been a blur. We've been busy with work and just doing the every day things of our lives. In the midst of the normalcy of it all, my thoughts have constantly been with two families who have been forced to make some very difficult decisions and deal with unimaginable grief. My heart has been broken by their stories, yet my spirit has been encouraged by their unshakable faith.

This family lost their beautiful three-year old son, Jaymun, on October 13. Jaymun was born with cancer and battled this disease until he died last month. He had a year of remission where he was able to enjoy life and bring so much joy to his family. His last trip to the hospital in September landed him in ICU and he never made it home. For a month he fought bravely as his family tried everything to save his life. But, God had other plans in mind for little Jaymun and He took him home. As a Christian I know Jaymun is in a better place, and that he is healthy and whole. Cancer no longer has any power over him. But as I read his dad's posts on their blog, my heart just breaks. As a family they are grieving and trying to get through each day. I don't know how they do it - this mind numbing, spirit breaking grief.

This family was faced with many difficult decisions over the last few months. They were ecstatic when they found out they were pregnant with their third child, a son they named Judah Aslan. At some point in the pregnancy they determined Judah had a life threatening heart condition. Doctors told them they should abort Judah, but they wouldn't even consider that as an option. They knew God had a plan and they needed to be faithful. Recently they were faced with another difficult decision - a chance in a lifetime decision. They agreed to go to Boston where a team of doctors would perform heart surgery in utero on Judah. He was the 10th case of this type and the chances of Judah surviving the surgery were 50/50. With the prayer backing of many many people, this brave family traveled to Boston and on Tuesday of this week the doctors performed the surgery. Judah survived the surgery, but he passed quietly into God's waiting arms the following morning. The mom and dad were present at the sonogram when they saw his last heartbeat. Again, my heart is just broken for this family. What loss and sadness. To know that they did everything they could to save their son, and then leave the hospital empty and broken is unbearable to me.

My greatest fears have been recognized and faced by these two families. They have dealt with something I never want to know, and they have shown great faith and sought strength in God. I wonder, would we be that strong if we were in their shoes? What I know to be true about God has been tested by my interaction with these two families - God is a loving and caring God who is in the business of making miracles - healing the sick, making the blind see, and saving little babies from dying. He answers our prayers. Right?? I never considered that maybe God's will was for these innocent children to die. The Kaats and Schroeders, cried out to God, sought strength from God, prayed unceasingly to God, asked God "Why" and finally surrendered to God. Only to have THEIR greatest fears recognized. Is that fair?! Trevor and I have lost so much over the past couple of years, and they have been some of the most difficult years of my life. By the grace of God, Trevor and I have found the strength to face our fears and walk a path that we never would have chosen to travel. We say over and over again that "at least we have each other and Tristen." It has been rough - but we are still together and our love is strong. Our loss, though, is far different from the loss of a child. I would gladly give up everything I own again and again to save the life of our child.

Knowing the path my thoughts were taking, God sent me a little message by way of James Dobson's Focus on the Family. Dr. Dobson aired a speaker's testimony of her loss and how she has coped with it. Her story was sad, and it was inspiring, but what stood out was her question. "Do you love God for his stuff, or do you love God?" What does that mean? Do I love God because he answers every prayer the way I want them answered, because he blesses me financially and with lots of "things", because I and my family are healthy? Or, when life is at its worst, do I love God regardless of my circumstances. Even if I've lost everything, do I continue to love God and remain faithful to him.

I thought about my marriage vows. Does the phrase "in sickness and in health ..." ring a bell? I wondered, if I can take that vow with Trevor, shouldn't I be able to promise the same to God? I would like to think that God wants to save me from the sadness and heartache this life can offer, but I know that ultimately it is these very things that draw me closer to Him.

I've asked God over and over again how he could let Jaymun and Judah die; how He could allow their families to suffer such loss. His answer was that it has nothing to do with me. I need to trust Him. That regardless of these situations, He is in control and has an ETERNAL plan. That no matter how hard life is down here, there is a bigger and better plan. Not just for me, but for everyone who loves Him and calls Him Father. That is a bitter pill to swallow. I'm all about the here and now - I want instant happiness and gratification. I want life to be easy and without loss. I want sweet little boys to live, to grow up with their families. But, in the end, I know God's plan far outweighs my own.

Question: Do you love God or do you love Him for His stuff?

There is a difference. One is selfless and requires faith, the other requires nothing at all.